Reality Check

1 06 2011

Today I got quite a shock when I stepped on the scale. Though I knew from the feel of my clothes what I should expect, seeing that number really gave me a dose of reality. I was originally going to go strictly by waist measurement, but the more I thought about it the more I wanted to know what my number was on the scale. My plan for now is to weigh in the 1st of each month. Today I got my “new” starting point and my goal is to lose 10 pounds a month minimum. July 1st I will weigh in again and hopefully be AT LEAST 10 pounds lighter. 🙂

If you followed my original blog then you know how my journey started. I was brought on the Dr. Oz Show where I met my inspiration and personal wellness coach, Nancy Shuessler. That day, October 21, 2009 was an amazing and life changing day. I was completely overwhelmed, but ready to start a new life of health and wellness.

Twelve weeks later I was brought back on the show where it was revealed that I had lost nearly 50 pounds. My favorite reveal of the show was when I found out that my body fat % had gone from an unmeasurable, but greater than 50% to a measurable 46%. The most phenominal part of the show was when they unveiled an enormous, high tech eliptical machine that they were GIVING to me! I love that machine! 🙂

During that trip to NYC for the second show taping several things happened that caused me some concern. My relationship with my husband, my relationship with food, and most importantly my view of myself really came into question during that trip. After the first taping I went from an all time low point in my life, to an amazing high. I truly believed I’d never be the same. And I’m not. But after that second taping, I went from an incredible high to some rocky times.

Life tends to throw us some pretty crazy curve balls. If it’s not one thing going on, it’s another. Being a food addict you have to learn ways to cope with life’s curve balls without turning to food. At this point, I was only 12 weeks into this new lifestyle. I was still in the “honeymoon” phase so to speak, but the honeymoon came to a crashing halt.

In the course of the next few months my life was turned completely upside down:

  1.  My husband and in-laws and I moved into a new apartment
  2. I lost my job
  3. We went on a road trip to New York to see family
  4. I got a new job
  5. My in-laws moved out and we had to get roommates
  6. We got a new house and moved to the other side of town

During all of this I was also struggling to make my marriage work. I was struggling to be successful at diet and exercise. I had goals and dreams I wanted to accomplish, but I was losing myself in the process. I was trying so hard to be what everyone else wanted and needed me to be that I forgot WHY I was doing it all in the first place.

I gained and lost the same 10-15 pounds. I was miserable physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I was drained and beaten and at the end of my rope. And all this time I was trying to convince Nancy, and the world, that I was ok. I had this! But the scale said differently. I was eating according to the plan Nancy had for me, but in addition to that I was eating out more and making some not so great choices. It was a spiral of negative self talk and bad choices. And it ended up costing me a lot in the end. More than just gaining weight, I lost a friend.

At the end of October I made a very difficult, very personal decision to leave my husband. I loved him very much, but it was not a healthy relationship and I had to leave. The next couple of months to follow were very difficult. I went from having a beautiful three bedroom home with a huge kitchen and a lot of “stuff”, to sleeping on my brothers couch and living out of a suitcase. I had to get rid of so much stuff, and it was good, but it was HARD. It was uncomfortable. It was not where I saw myself at that stage of my life, but I knew deep down I had made the right decision. I had a hard time letting go of all of my things. I had built a beautiful life for us, and though it was just “stuff” it had become my identity. Letting go of it all was a challenge, and it still is today if I think about it too much.

The most difficult part was feeling like I had failed. Feeling embarrassed, and feeling like I had to explain myself. No one person made me feel this way, and to be honest, I was surprised that I felt that way. But I learned to get past it, and I now understand that it wasn’t a failure and I am not a bad person for leaving my marriage. It was the best decision I have ever made and my life is better because of it.

So, all of this to say that crap happens. 🙂 Life happens. I’m trying to learn how to get through life without turning to food. Good, bad, indifferent, food is always there. But I can be stressed with life and fat, or I can be stressed with life and healthy.

This journey is all about learning how to live as healthy as possible. I may never be a skinny-minnie. And honestly, I don’t want to be. But I know that where I am right now is not healthy, and it’s keeping me from realizing my dreams of being a mom. So one day at a time, I’m going to do my best to make GOOD choices and slowly but surely whittle away this fat to reveal a healthier, happier, sexier woman. The woman I am meant to be.